Detergent: A Musical
by Nightstar Phoenix
Summary: Parody. Because unlike Allegiant, Detergent actually rhymes with Divergent and Insurgent. And they sing. Pretty random. Lots of spoilers and breaking of the fourth wall. T because it's Divergent.
1. Like Grease But Cleaner

**A/N: I have not read _Allegiant_ yet, so this will only encompass the first two books. This is a crack fic, so this is all in good fun. And it's meant to be a joke, not taken seriously. Hope you enjoy! And don't spoil things for me, because my sister has worked super hard to keep it a secret. **

COMING SOON:

DETERGENT: THE MUSICAL!

Its like Grease, but cleaner!

Featuring songs from all five factions!

DAUNTLESS: _It's time to try defying gravity, and you won't pull me down!_

ERUDITE: _Be prepaaaaared!_

AMITY: _Everything is awesome! Everything is cool when you're part of a team! Everything is awesome! Living on a dream!_

CANDOR: _Say something I'm giving up on you_

ABNEGATION: Singing is self-serving.

Okay maybe only from four of them.

* * *

BEATRICE: _Who is that girl I see?_

_Staring strait_

_Back at me,_

_Why is my reflection someone I don't know?_

_When will my reflection show_

_Who I am insiiiiiiiiide?_

ABNEGATION: No singing! Singing is self-serving!

BEATRICE: Crap. I'll never fit–

ABNEGATION: Complaining is self-serving!

BEATRICE: Shoot.

* * *

TRIS: I choose Dauntless!

_Don't let them in, don't let them see, be the good girl you always have to be_

_Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know_

_Well now they know!_

_Let it go, let it go_

_Can't hold it back anymore_

_Let it go, Let it go_

_Turn away and slam the door_

_I don't care what there going to say_

_Let the storm rage on,_

*takes off jacket*

_The cold never bothered me anyway!_

* * *

Four's Big Number!

FOUR: _Let's get down to business __to Defeat the Huns_

ERIC: *pokes Peter* _Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons? _

FOUR: _You're the saddest bunch I've ever met, and you can bet before we're through_

ERIC: _Mister I'll_

FOUR: _Make a man_

ERIC &amp; FOUR: _Out of YOOOOOU!_

* * *

And don't forget Jeanine!

JEANINE: _Wonderful, they call me wonderful_

TRIS: uh, _That sure sounds wonderful_

JEANINE: _Trust me it's fun when you are Wonderful..._

* * *

And of course Fourtris makes up ninety percent of the story.

FOUR &amp; TRIS: _Every moment_

_As long as your mine_

_Come be how you want to_

_And see how bright we shine_

_They say there's no future_

_For us as a pair_

_But we're the only two who'll make it through Allegiant_

_So there!_

_As long as you're mine!_

FOUR: What is it?

TRIS: It's just, for the first time I feel... Dauntless.

FOUR: I'll be Four and you'll be Six.

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Yes! Six and Four make ten! Ten is a multiple of five! My inner Artemis Fowl need is appeased!

TRIS: Who the heck are you?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Someone that Veronica Roth can't kill off. Bye.

* * *

VERONICA ROTH: Here Tris, take this gun.

TRIS: ?

WILL: *zombie walks on stage*

TRIS: Squeeal! *shoots Zombie Will* OH NO I KILLED WILL!

VERONICA ROTH: _Happy is what happens when my characters's dreams are CRUSHED._

* * *

TRIS: Hey Tobias you want to build a bivuac?

FOUR: What did you DO to her?!

TRIS: _do you wanna build a snowman?_

AMITY: Uh... Peace serum?

TRIS: _Everything is awesome! Everything is cool when you're part of the team!_

FOUR: Tris, snap out of it.

TRIS: _I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream..._

FOUR: Seriously Tris.

TRIS:_ I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss_

FOUR: If you don't snap out of this soon I'm gonna shoot something.

TRIS: But that's not very nice!

FOUR: That's it, I'm locking you in your room until this wears off.

TRIS: _Just wondering when will my life begin?_

* * *

And of course, the all important FERNADOOOO! He has like fifteen understudies because the play simply can't go on without Fernando if the flu bug goes around backstage. Tris we can live without.

FERNANDO: _Everything is awesome! Everything is cool when you're part of a team- *drops sunglasses*_

[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]

_FERNANDO: *falls over, shot*_

TRIS: No! Fernando!_  
_

FERNANDO: *jumps up* I'm okay!

[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]

FERNANDO: *falls over shot*

TRIS: ...

CHRISTINA: ...

CARA: ...

TRIS: Oh well.

CARA:_ some things are meant to be,_

FERNANDO: Hey, I thought I was going to be an important character! I mean, I title-dropped the book-

_[BAM BAM BAM BAM]_

FERNANDO: *falls over shot*

TRIS: _Let it go, let it go_

_Nobody cares anymore_

FERNANDO: you guys know I can still hear- *gets shot in the head*

TRIS: Tobias!

FOUR: He was buggin me, okay?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: *covers child's eyes* You said this was CLEANER than Grease!

VERONICA ROTH: Screw that. Fourtris forever, everyone else must die. Or be emotionally scarred. *shoots Fernando's dead body*

FERNANDO: _If I die young-_

VERONICA ROTH: You don't get a song, Expenpenble! *shoots FERNANDOOOO again*

* * *

And we felt the need to make them sing something from The Hunger Games...

KATNISS: Oh no, you've already stolen enough of my fans. *shoots Fernando's corpse*

TRIS: Why is that still on stage?

KATNISS: Te real question is, why are YOU still on stage?

TRIS: _what is this feeling, so sudden and new?_

KATNISS: _I felt the moment I laid eyes on you_

TRIS: _My pulse is rushing_

KATNISS: _My head is reeling_

TRIS: _My face is flushing_

BOTH: _what is this feeling?_

_Fervid as a flame_

_Does it have a name_

_Yeeeess_

_Loathing_

_unadulterated loathing..._

* * *

And, as a grand finale, a kick-line to Lana Del Ray's "Born to Die"

_Choose your last words, this is the Last Time_

_Cause you and I_

_We were born to die_

I'll just let you imagine that awesome for a moment.

* * *

Don't forget to see Detergent: The Musical!

Tickets are $8,000,000 each, but only $4 if you've read the series.

To be released on Pi day. Because we feel like it.

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for your time! Reviews are, of course, optional, as I do not control your lives, and my self-esteem does not depend on reviews either. Constructive criticism would be will probably be more after I read Allegiant.**

* * *

**_Songs Used/Referenced in Chapter 1:_**

_"Defying Gravity" from Wicked_

_"Be Prepared" from The Lion King_

_"Everything Is Awesome" from The Lego Movie_

_"Say Something" by A Great Big World_

_"Reflection" from Mulan_

_"Let It Go" from Frozen (as preformed by Idina Menzel)_

_"I'll Make A Man Out of You" from Mulan_

_"Wonderful" from Wicked_

_"As Longs as You're Mine" from Wicked_

_"Thank Goodness" from Wicked_

_"Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" from Frozen_

_"Once Upon a Dream" from Sleeping Beauty_

_"True Love's Kiss" from Enchanted_

_"When Will my Life Begin?" from Tangled_

_"Some Things Are Meant to Be" from Little Women_

_"If I Die Young" - The Band Perry_

_"What Is This Feeling?" from Wicked_

_"Born to Die" - Lana Del Ray_


	2. Thinking Is Cheating

**A/N: okay, so the first chapter got good reviews, and no WAY am I out of jokes, so here's chapter two! Enjoy! Reviews are appreciated, especially with humor fics, because, while I know what I find funny, I can't read your minds; in summation feedback is helpful. Thank you for the reviews so far!**

**I do not own Divergent or any songs referenced. I do own the exact wording of the jokes, I guess, but really with a lot of these we were all thinking it. And I only recently found out that Detergent was a joke title for Allegiant. Huh, I guess great minds do think alike.**

**Sorry of you get confused about what scene is being parodied; it's a little random, but I try to put them in chronological order.**

Detergent: A Musical

Thinking is Cheating

* * *

PETER: You better watch out Stiff.

PETER &amp; DREW: _Cause you're playing with the big boys now,_

_Playing with the big boys now_

TRIS: What even is that from?

PETER: Stiff you just insult Prince of Egypt?

TRIS: Nobody knows that movie!

PETER: That's it, into the chasm you go!

TRIS: What?!

AL: Wait Peter what are you doing?

PETER: She insulted Prince of Egypt. She must die.

AL: Oh ok.

TRIS: What the heck is this movie?!

AL: You mean one of the greatest DreamWorks movies of all time?

TRIS: None of us should know that movie!

AL: Well none of us should be breaking into spontaneous singing and choreography either, but here we are.

TRIS: Four save me!

FOUR: *enters singing the Superman theme*

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Oh now their gonna get it. You don't mess with Four, four is death!

FOUR: Enough with the Artemis Fowl references!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: I will NEVER stop with the Artemis Fowl references! *runs offstage*

TRIS: who was that?

FOUR: Idk maybe an escapee from a mental institution?

* * *

Relationship bumps! Like in real relationships! Because as we all know Fourtris is the epitome of realistic, right up there with HansXAnna. ... Wait...That didn't come out right.

FOUR: Would you stop throwing your life away?

TRIS: I'm not throwing my life away; I'm like the only character who doesn't get to die in my place.

FOUR: Stop being noble dang it! This is not A Tale of Two Cities!

TRIS: _But innocence is gone_

_And what was right is wrong_

FOUR: Don't you dare bring Imagine Dragons into this!

TRIS: Too late

_I'm bleeding out_

_its the last thing that I'll do_

* * *

And then family ties!

MARCUS: _I am a sentimental man,_

_Who always longed to be a father_

TRIS: Wait, say again?

MARCUS: Don't question the song!

TRIS: *kicks Marcus in the face* That's for giving your son the same name as Snape'a dad!

FOUR: GAH I can never get away from these references!

* * *

And again!

EVLYN: _How could I know I would have to leave you?_

_How could I know I would hurt you so?_

_You were the one I was born to love_

_oh how could I ever know?_

_How could I ever know?_

FOUR: Uh... Tris read the situation for me.

TRIS: What?

FOUR: Well we've established that unless you're in Erudite, thinking is cheating. You don't play by the rules. So what are you thinking?

TRIS: Oh, well... I guess it sucks that your parents are both jerks, but my parents are both dead. And didn't we also establish that you can think on your own?

* * *

VERONICA ROTH: Everything's going well for Tris. Good for her. But somebody needs to die...

CHRISTINA: Omigosh they're gonna jump Tris what are we gonna do?

TRIS: You save the kid, I'll save.. Uh, second thought why didn't you wake up more than one other person if there were three of them up here?

CHRISTINA: Because I'm not an Erudite I'm not trained to think!

MARLENE &amp; HECTOR &amp; GIRL: *under Erudite serum* *jump off roof*

CHRISTINA: I'll save you Prim! *saves girl*

TRIS: *makes split second decision to save Hector* ...Christina, wrong fandom.

* * *

And family drama again! (This never gets old!)

CALEB: I'm sorry, Tris, what was I supposed to do?

TRIS: You could have tried! You could have tried and failed because you love me!

CALEB: ... That was the most Mary Sue sentence I have ever heard come out of your mouth, Beatrice Prior.

TRIS: I'm not a Mary Sue!

CALEB: I know, normally you're not. What even was that?

TRIS: _Something has changed within me_

_Something is not the same_

_I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game_

CALEB: And you're back.

TRIS: _To long I've been afraid of_

_Loosing love I guess I've lost_

_Well if that's love_

_It comes at much too high a cost_

_I'd sooner buy defying gravity_

_Kiss me goodbye I'm defying gravity_

_And you won't pull me down_

* * *

FERNANDO: *runs on stage* I'M BAAAAAAAACK! *gets shot*

CHRISTINA: Gosh. How many times can you kill off Fernando in one fic?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Why do you think he has so many understudies?

* * *

Don't forget to see Detergent: A Musical

Tickets aren't cheap because Fernando understudies are hard to come by (so much talent needed for that role!)

* * *

**_Songs Used/Referenced In Chapter 2_**

_"Playing with the Big Boys Now" from Prince of Egypt_

_"Bleeding Out" - Imagine Dragons_

_"A Sentimental Man" from Wicked_

_"How Could I Ever Know?" from The Secret Garden_

_"Defying Gravity" from Wicked_


	3. Dead Men Sue No Companies

**A/N: I was just waiting for the right tagline. Thanks to a classmate, I have one. Welcome to chapter three.**

* * *

Detergent: A Musical

Dead Men Sue No Companies

* * *

Another Tris Song! She has like six of these!

TRIS: _Here I go_  
_ And there's no turning back_  
_ My great adventure has begun_  
_ I may be small_  
_ But I've got giant plans_  
_ To shine as greatly as the sun_

_ I will blaze until I find my time and place_  
_ I will be fearless,_  
_ Surrendering modesty and grace_  
_ I will not disapear without a trace_  
_ I'll shout and start a riot_  
_ Be anything but quiet_  
_ Christopher Columbus_  
_ I'll be Astonishing_  
_ Astonishing_  
_ Astonishing_

_ At Last_

* * *

And Amity gets their own kickline!

AMITY: _Everything is awesome!_

_Everything is cool when you're part of the team!_

_Everything is awesome!_

_Livin' on a dream_

TRIS: What is wrong with these people?

AMITY: _Everythig is awesome!_

CALEB: Idk. I think they're just like that. Want some bread?

TRIS: Nah, I think I'll just watch them do this for a while. I'll need something to smile about when I'm feeling like being emo about being misunderstood.

AMITY:_Everything is better when we stick together_  
_ Side by side, you and I gonna win forever, let's party forever_  
_ We're the same, I'm like you, you're like me, we're all working in harmony_

PETER: Pfft, stupid Amity. *eats bread* *jumps up and starts rapping*

_(Wooo)_  
_ 3, 2, 1. Go_  
_ Have you heard the news, everyone's talking_  
_ Life is good 'cause everything's awesome_  
_ Lost my job, it's a new opportunity_  
_ More free time for my awesome community_

TRIS: Wha...

PETER: _I feel more awesome than an awesome opossum_  
_ Dip my body in chocolate frostin'_  
_ Three years later, wash off the frostin'_  
_ Smellin' like a blossom, everything is awesome_  
_ Stepped in mud, got new brown shoes_  
_ It's awesome to win, and it's awesome to lose (it's awesome to lose)_

FOUR: Oh my gosh, someone get a video of this.

PETER:_ Blue skies, bouncy springs_  
_ We just named two awesome things_  
_ A Nobel prize, a piece of string_  
_ You know what's awesome? EVERYTHING!_

TRIS: There is no way I am eating that bread ever again.

PETER: _Dogs with fleas, allergies, a book of Greek antiquities_  
_ Brand new pants, a very old vest_  
_ Awesome items are the best_

CALEB: *puts down peice of bread*

PETER: _Trees, frogs, clogs_  
_ They're awesome_  
_ Rocks, clocks, and socks_  
_ They're awesome_  
_ Figs, and jigs, and twigs_  
_ That's awesome_  
_ Everything you see, or think, or say_  
_ Is awesome_

TRIS: ... All in favor of never letting him live this down.

FOUR: Aye.

CALEB: I don't even know him.

FOUR: He said Aye.

CALEB: No, I said _I_ as in _me,_ not–

FOUR: He agrees.

* * *

FERNANDO: _Tris_

TRIS: What? Weren't you dead? Like forever ago?

FERNANDO: Yeah but I came to warn you.

TRIS: Warn me about what?

FERNANDO: By the time Veronica Roth gets to you, you'll be so scarred that you won't have a brain left.

TRIS: Say what?

FERNANDO: _Beware_

TRIS: Who's Ver–

FERNANDO: _They're black_  
_ they're brown_  
_ They're up_  
_ they're down_  
_ They're in_  
_ they're out_  
_ They're all about_  
_ They're far_  
_ they're near_  
_ They're gone_  
_ they're here_  
_ They're quick and slick_  
_ They're insincere_  
_ Beware_  
_ Beware_  
_ Be a very wary bear_

TRIS: ...

FERNANDO: _A Heffalump or Woozle_  
_ is very con-fuzle_  
_ The Heffalump or Woozle's very sly, sly, sly, sly_  
_ They come in ones and twoozles_  
_ but if they so choozles_  
_ before your eyes, you'll see them multiply-ply-ply-ply_  
_ They're extra-ordinary_  
_ so better be wary_  
_ Because they come in every shape and size, size, size, size_  
_ If honey is what you covet_  
_ you'll find that they love it_  
_ Because they'll guzzle up the thing you prize_

TRIS: Is this the after-shock of the Amity serum?

FERNANDO: No it's Winnie the Pooh! What kind of childhood did you have?

TRIS: I grew up in Abnegation.

FERNANDO: Oh yeah.

WOOZLE (or maybe it's a HEFFALUMP; they're very con-fuzle): *in Veronica Roth's voice* Time to die. *drop-kicks Fernando*

TRIS: Uh...

* * *

JENINE: _So, prepare for the chance of a lifetime_  
_Be prepared for sensational news_  
_A shining new era is tiptoeing nearer_

TRIS: _And where do we feature?_

JENINE: Just_ listen to teacher_  
_I know it sounds sordid_  
_But you'll be rewarded_  
_When at last, I am given my dues_  
_And injustice deliciously squared_  
_Be prepared!_

TRIS: ... No, you're just going to kill me, aren't you.

JENINE: Or that.

_Yes, my teeth and ambitions are bared_  
_Be prepared!_

TORI: DIE! *stabs Jenine*

JENINE: NOOOOOoooooooooooo!

TRIS: But wait she's the only one who know how to use the computer!

TORI: _Let it Go, Let it Go_

_Nobody cares anymore_

* * *

TORI: where stands the usurper's cursed head: the time is free!

TRIS: Eww is that..?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: *shrugs* A Macbeth quote was a long time in coming in this fic.

TRIS: But... really?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: You're in a Veronica Roth book. Deal.

TRIS: Who is this Veronica Roth I keep hearing about?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Probably your doom. Your worst nightmare at least.

FOUR: Come on, that's a little unfair.

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: You're right, you're right. She's a brilliant author, and I respect her work. She's not you worst nightmare Tris... she is Fernando's though.

FERNANDO: *from offstage* I'll be _baaaaack!_

* * *

**_Songs Used In Chapter 3_**

_"Astonishing" from Little Women  
_

_"Everything is Awesome" from The Lego Movie_

_"Heffalumps and Woozles" from Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day_

_"Be Prepared" from The Lion King_

_"Let It Go" from Frozen (as preformed by Idina Menzel)_

* * *

**Response to Reviews**

**Anon "Somebody"**

"DONT CALL MY NAME, DONT CALL MY NAME, BYE FERNANDO...  
Lady Gaga to the rescue!"

**I have actually never listened to Lady Gaga.**

"...don't stop the Artemis Fowl references. They're the only ones I get."

**XD Gotcha. I don't think I could stop myself if I even tried.**

"You know who you need for Fernando? Butler. Kevlar-chested, that one. (And he would make even the Dauntless shake in their boots.) Plus, if they did manage to kill him, the fairies and Artemis could just bring him back to life again."

***evil smile* Headcanon accepted**

"Heh. Heh. Heh.  
I've heard Amity puts happy pills in their bread. Remember Carter's encounter with Hapi from the Kane Chronicles?"

**LOLLOLLOLLOL It took me a minute to remember this moment XD That I would like to see!**

**divergentlover29**

"can you list the songs you put after each chapter if it's not too much trouble?"

**Challenge accepted. Actually, that's a really good idea.**


	4. All That Glitters Is Not Titanium

**A/N: Here is the long-awaited update! Chapter fooour!**

**Thank you guys for your reviews! I swear I have a mini heart attack every time I see the review count go up, and then you guys give such high compliments. Thank you all so much! Also to whomever nominated this fic for "The Divergent Fanfiction Awards" by HelloI'mOz, a million thanks for the happy shock! You guys are amazing!**

**This time I did something a little different... There is a sort of plot in this chapter. Tell me what you think of it!**

* * *

All That Glitters Is Not Titanium

TRIS: _You shoot me down,_

_But I won't fall_

_I am Titanium!_

CALEB: OH MY GOSH STOP!

TRIS: What?

CALEB: You have already had, like, six epiphany songs! It's old now!

TRIS: IT WILL NEVER GET OLD NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NE-

CALEB: SHUT UP!

*sissy fight*

NATALIE: Break it up! *grabs both her children in a headlock under each arm* No wonder neither of you stayed in Abnegation.

TRIS: I'M DONE WITH THIS. *breaks free* I quit!

CALEB: You what?

TRIS: NO MORE MUSICALS! *stomps offstage*

FOUR: *enters* What just happened?

CHRISTINA: *enters* Guys, why did Tris just leave the building?

CALEB: Oops.

WILL: What are we going to do without Tris?

FERNANDO: I know! I know! _I'll_ be the main character! _The hills are alive-_

FOUR: *shoots Fernando*

CHRISTINA: He is- er, was- right though, we need a new main character. We need a new Divergent.

NATALIE: Lets have tryouts.

FOUR: Tryouts?

NATALIE: Yeah. Whoever wins gets to take Tris's place in the series. Not exactly, of course, if we pick a guy, but we can't just rely on OUR character traits, can we?

FOUR: I guess not...

CALEB: So tryouts it is?

CHRISTINA: Tryouts it is!

* * *

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: okay, auditions for New Tris are go! Audition 1, Percy Jackson. Prompt: Dauntless Training. 3, 2, 1, action!

_light em up up up light em up up up_

ERIC: Go hang from the fence over the cliff!

CHRISTINA: Wha- fine! Have it your way! *hangs on fence*

ERIC: *starts stopwatch*

PERCY JACKSON: What are you, an Ares kid?

ERIC: Shut up, pipsqueak.

*a geyser of water rises from the ravine, crashing down on Eric only, then bouncing back into the ravine*

ERIC: *face turns red with rage*

PERCY JACKSON: Oh crap. That was a bad move.

CHRISTINA: RUN PERCY RUN

PERCY JACKSON: *runs offstage, chased by ERIC* ANNABEEEEEETH!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: CUT! Stop! Eric come back here with that! Hey! PERCY DUCK!

* * *

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Audition 2, Bella Swan. Prompt: getting on the train. 3, 2, 1, Action.

CHRISTINA: We are Dauntless! *jumps on the train*

DAUNTLESS INITIATES: *while jumping onto the train* _It's who we are_

_Doesn't matter if we've gone too far_

_Doesn't matter if it's all okay_

_Doesn't matter if it's not our day-_

BELLA SWAN: AIEEE!

MOLLY: What happened?

CHRISTINA: I think she fell under the train!

*solemn silence*

PETER: No wait, there she is!

BELLA SWAN: Wait for meeeeeee!

CHRISTINA: She didn't make it on?

DREW: I think she stubbed her toe.

URIAH: Well she doesn't belong here.

* * *

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Audition 3, Katniss Everdeen. Prompt: Dauntless training. 3, 2, 1, action!

ERIC: Alright, its time for target practice. Grab your gun!

KATNISS EVERDEEN: Uh, can I use my bow?

ERIC: No.

KATNISS EVERDEEN: Okay then, I'm done. *exits*

CHRISTINA: Wait we haven't even sung yet!

*arrow narrowly misses her head*

CHRISTINA: Oookay then

FOUR: We've already used a song from The Hunger Games anyway.

* * *

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Audition 4, Fernando. 3, 2, 1, action.

FERNANDO: _The hills are alive with the sound of music!_

CHRISTINA: We already told you _no_!

FERNANDO: No you didn't, you just shot me.

FOUR: And I'm gonna shoot you again. *loads gun*

FERNANDO: *runs in circles* YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE!

FOUR: That's the idea. *shoots, narrowly missing Fernando*

FERNANDO: *squeals and darts offstage*

FOUR: That's more like it.

* * *

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Audition 5, Holly Short. Prompt: Dauntless training fights. 3, 2, 1, action.

ERIC: Alright, Holly vs Peter.

PETER: what- she's shorter than Tris was!

HOLLY: *judo-flips Peter*

PETER: WHAT THE HECK.

FOUR: Ah... Well it's song time?

HOLLY: Wait we had to sing?

CHRISTINA: uh, Detergent _The Musical_?

HOLLY: oh...

FOUR: Can you sing?

HOLLY: Not for you Mud Brats!

ERIC: Say what?

HOLLY: Later! *flies away on rocket wings*

CHRISTINA: What the...

FOUR: Maybe we should just move on.

* * *

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Audition 6, Astrid Hofferson. 3, 2, 1, Action.

ERIC: Alright, kids, next we're going to-

ASTRID: *runs at Dauntless initiates waving ax and shouting a war cry*

FOUR: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: CUT! Cut! Go back to Berk, Hofferson!

* * *

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Audition 7, Elphaba Thropp. Prompt: Breaking free of the Erudite Serum.

ELPHABA: _So if you care to find me_

_Look to the western sky_

_As someone told me lately_

_Everyone deserves the chance to fly_

CALEB: Wait wait wait, stop. Didn't Tris sing this song?

ELPHABA: What?

FOUR: Yeah, yeah she did!

ELPHABA: But- But this is _my song_!

CHRISTINA: Sorry, greenie.

ELPHABA: Do I at least get to finish it?

ERIC: Heck no, get out ya Martian!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Overruled. Go to the corner, Eric, no one likes you.

ERIC: What?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Harsh truth. Elphie, finish your song darling.

ELPHABA: _And if I'm flying solo_

_At least I'm flying free_

_To those who'd ground me_

_Take a message back from me_

_Tell then how I am defying gravity_

_I'm flying high, defying gravity_

_And soon I'll match them in renown _

_And nobody in all of Oz_

_No wizard that there is or was_

_Is ever gonna bring me down!_

* * *

NIGHSTSTAR PHOENIX: Audition 8, Ender Wiggin. Prompt: Capture the Flag. 3, 2, 1, action.

CHRISTINA: I can't believe that worked!

FOUR: I know! Ender, you should be an Erudite, that was epic!

ERIC: HEY! MINI KHAN!

ENDER: Yes...?

ERIC: HOW THE HECK DID YOU BEAT MY TEAM?!

ENDER: Well we-

ERIC: YOU KNOW WHAT? SHUT UP. GO BACK TO YOUR OWN FANDOM. *storms off*

FOUR: Um, sorry about that...

ENDER: *shrugs* It's okay, in used to it.

* * *

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Audition 9, Anakin Skywalker-

ERIC: Anakin WHAT?!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Skywalker.

ERIC: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Who's in charge here?

ERIC: Me!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Ha!

ERIC: Who do you think you are?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Well, I'm not Veronica Roth... But I can go get her.

FOUR: How about we go find Tris instead?

CHRISTINA: Yeah, I agree.

CALEB: She's pretty hard to replace.

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Well... I am running out of audition ideas...

DIVERGENT CHARACTERS: Yay! Lets go get Tris!

* * *

TRIS: *sitting in a coffee shop eating cookies* Sigh...

FOUR: *from out the window* _You've got a friend in me_

TRIS: huh?

CHRISTINA: *joining Four* _You've got a friend in me_

_When the road looks rough ahead_

_And you're miles and miles from your nice warm bed_

_You just remember what your old pal said_

_Girl you've got a friend in me_

_Yeah you've got a friend in me_

TRIS: *sets down coffee mug*

NATALIE: _You've got a friend in me_

WILL: _You've got a friend in me_

PETER: _You got troubles and I got 'em too_

CALEB: _There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you_

SUSAN: _We stick together, we can see it through_

FOUR: Cause _you've got a friend in me_

_You've got a friend in me_

FERNANDO: _Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am_

_Bigger and stronger too_

_Maybe_

FOUR: _But none of them_

_Will ever love you the way I do_

_It's me and you ooh_

DIVERGENT CHARACTERS: _And as the years go by_

_Our friendship will never die_

_You're gonna see it's our destiny_

_You've got a friend in me_

_You've got a friend in me_

_You've got a friend in me_

TRIS: *beaming* You guys!

FERNANDO: _Yooooou've for a frieeeeend in meeeeeeeeeee_ *is shot*

* * *

_**Guests from Chapter 4**_

_Percy Jackson from the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series by Rick Riordain_

_Bella Swan from the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer_

_Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins_

_Holly Short from the Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer_

_Astrid Hofferson from DreamWorks's How to Train Your Dragon_

_Elphaba from the Broadway Musical Wicked_

_Ender Wiggin from Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card_

_(Almost) Anakin Skywalker from George Lucas's Star Wars_

* * *

_**Songs Used In Chapter 4**_

_"Titanium" as preformed by Madilyn Bailee_

_""Who We Are" - Imagine Dragons_

_"The Sound of Music" from The Sound of Music_

_"Defying Gravity" from Wicked_

_"You've Got A Friend In Me" - Randy Newman_

* * *

**Response to Reviews**

**Anon: "Axel Treehorn"**

"Hello, fellow insane writer! Do you take suggestions? Well, I kinda have a weird addiction to Ke$ha. Go nuts."

**Though I have not the advantage of knowing any Ke$ha songs, I will take suggestions! In fact, anybody who has ideas please let me know somehow! Suggestions would be great!**

"Also, don't stop. It's getting more insane by the moment!"

**JUGGERNAUT AWAY!**

"Also, did you know there are two Frozen "Dear fandom" fics?"

**I know one of them, written by Neverland8, a RL friend who is working with me on a future work... ;)**

**clarasglassballoon**

"The 'Born to Die' kickline part made me literally fall off my seat. Which isn't that good, because my seat is my bed and falling onto the floor hurts."

**Oh dear! XD Don't hurt yourself, we're not all as invincible as Fernando!**

"One does not simply insult Prince of Egypt! xD"

**IKR!**

"Will Fernando die by nightlock next?"

**Ooh, good idea!**

**EmuFrost**

"This is great! You should make some of other stories like Hunger Games the Musical or something!"

***blushes* Really, you think so? If I tried that, would you guys read it?**


	5. I Am Detergent-locked

I Am Detergent-locked

* * *

TRIS: _If I could reach_

_The top of the world_

_Be who I am, it'd be so beauitiful_

CALEB: Woa woa woa, is that from The freaking Pirate Fairy? That movie wasn't even that-

NATALIE: Play nicely, please: for everyone's sake!

CALEB: But- pfft fine! *storms off*

TRIS: Wait, how do _you_ know that movie? Caleb? CALEB!

* * *

CHRISTINA: Tris, now that we're friends, I've decided to make you my new project.

TRIS: You really don't have to do that.

CHRISTINA: I know. That's what makes me so nice. *beams*

_Whenever I see someone leas fortunate than I-_

_And let's face it, who isn't less fortunate than I?-_

_My tender heart tends to start to bleed,_

_And when someone needs a makeover I simply have to take over,_

_I know, I know, exactly what they need_

_And even in your case,_

_Though it's the toughest case I've yet to face_

_Dont worry, I'm determined to succeed_

_Follow my lead, and yes indeed, you... Will... Be..._

_Popular_

_Youre gonna be popular_

_I'll show you the proper poise when you talk to boys,_

_Little ways to flirt and flounce_

Ooh! _I'__ll show you what shoes to wear, how to fix your hair_

_Everything that really counts to be_

_Popular_

_I'll help you be popular_

_Youll hang with the right cohorts, you'll be good at sports,_

_Know the slang you've got to know_

_So let's start, 'cause you've got an awfully long way to go _*drags Tris off to Dauntless clothing stands*

* * *

TRIS: Tobias! Why is everybody sleepwalking?

FOUR: Shh! We have to blend in!

TRIS: um, okay... Uh... _There's a zombie on your la-awn-_

ERIC: oh please, sing something cool!

TRIS: But Pl-

FOUR: Blend in!

SYRUM DAUNTLESS: _I'm waking up_

_I feel it in my bones_

_(It's enough) to make my system blow_

_Welcome to the new age, to the new age_

_Welcome to the new age, to the new age_

_Wo-o-o-o-oh, wo-o-o-oh I'm_

_Radioactive, radioactive_

TRIS: *grumbles* I still like Plants vs Zombies...

FOUR: Tris!

TRIS: _Radioactive, radioactive!_

* * *

AMITY: Of course you all can stay!

_Be_

_Our_

_Guest! Be our guest!_

_Put our service to the test!_

_Tie a napk-_

TRIS: Stop! I think you're scaring them.

ABNEGATION: *huddled in corner shivering*

AMITY: Oops. Maybe that shouldn't be our song... Uh...

_Everything is awesome!_

_Everything is cool when you're part of a team!_

_Everything is awesome_

_When you're living on a dream!_

TRIS: Wow, you guys are really peppy.

* * *

FACTIONLESS: _Hey brother, there's an endless road to rediscover_

_Hey sister, do you still believe in love I wonder?_

_Oh, if the sky comes falling down_

_For you_

_There'a nothing in this world I wouldn't do._

TRIS: Wow, these guys are actually kinda cool.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: *bursts in* Hey I need help!

TRIS: huh? What are you doing here?

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Well in Sir A. C. Doyle's book I had these street urchins I paid to run around and do spy work, and this is as close as you can get.

TRIS: Get out!

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Why?

TRIS: We do NOT need your fandom here

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Oh come-

TRIS: NO OTTER MEMES! *shoves Holmes out of building*

FACTIONLESS MAN: Change? Ya got change?

**A/N: as a Sherlockian myself, I could not resist this cameo. Please know that I do not mean to insult anyone with this segment. Thank you.**

* * *

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: And now, as a grand finale for this chapter, a request from clarasglassballoon! Hey Eric, c'mere.

ERIC: Yeah?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: I need you to fight someone.

ERIC: Okay.

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Are you sure? It's gonna be a tough one.

ERIC: Yeah, I'm sure.

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: He's little, but he bites.

ERIC: I'll be fine... Can I bring a weapon?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: It won't do you much good, but okay. You ready?

ERIC: Yes!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: You sure? No backing out.

ERIC: I was born ready! I AM DAUNTLESS!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Weren't you born Erudite?

ERIC: Just get on with it already!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Okay. *exits, then shouts from offstage* Release the snowman!

OLAF: *runs onstage* Hi I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs!

ERIC: What the-

OLAF: Hi there!

ERIC: *shoots Olaf in the head*

OLAF: *bullet goes through his head* Hey, that tickles.

ERIC: huh?!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: *from offstage* He doesn't have a skull... Or bones.

ERIC: Well, that's great! *throws gun accross stage*

OLAF: is there something wrong? Do you need a hug? *walks towards Eric with arms open*

ERIC: *squeals like a little girl* ITS COMING AFTER ME! *sprints offstage*

OLAF: Wait! Don't you want a hug? *stops* Huh. I guess not.

FERNANDO: I want a hug!

OLAF: Yay! *hugs Fernado*

ELSA: *bursts in* _Let it go, let it go! _Don't worry Olaf, I'll save you! *shoots ice*

FERNANDO: *heart is Frozen* Ow... Aw crap. *turns to ice*

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: *runs in* Elsa, that was the wrong guy!

ELSA: ... Oh no.

TRIS: _Let it go, let it go,_

_Nobody cares anymore..._

* * *

_**Songs Used In Chapter Five**_

_"Who I Am" from Disney's The Pirate Fairy_

_"Popular" from Wicked_

_"There's a Zombie On Your Lawn" from Popcap's Plants Vs Zobies_

_"Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons_

_"Be Our Guest" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast_

_"Everything is AWESOME!" from The LEGO Movie_

_"Hey Brother" by Avicii_

_"Let it Go" from Disney's Frozen, as preformed by Idina Menzel_

* * *

**Response to Reviews**

**Okay, this time I'm just going to give a general shout-out. Thank you all so much for the encouraging reviews! If I haven't used your suggestions yet, I will next chapter (unless I have specifically said that I refuse to work with the song, which is rare). Keep giving suggestions; im having a bit of a writer's block, and maybe my plot bunny will cooperate if I fees him prompts.**

**One repeated request is for Wicked and Frozen songs; you don't have to fret about that, I'm obsessed with both!**

**I don't know when I'll be posting the next chapter, so stay tuned! Thanks again!**

**(Sidenote: What do you guys think of the new cover?)**


	6. The Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey Chapter

A/N: If this chapter is so ridiculous that all you can do is sit back and wonder what the heck happened... Well I binge-watched all the episodes of Doctor Who and now I'm suffering from withdrawal.

Yeah that's right I don't even have a good excuse to give you guys for the lack of updates. Not _oh I was on vacation_ or _oh I was on a mission trip out of country_. It's _well I got a bit distracted_ _by Doctor Who_. I feel a bit ashamed. Sorry for the long hiatus. Welcome back!

Disclaimer: I don't own this stuff y'all.

* * *

The Wibbly-Wobbly Timey-Wimey Chapter

* * *

ARTEMIS FOWL: Huh? Where am I? What am I doing here?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: You were summoned by the reviewers.

ARTEMIS FOWL: Why?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: *shoves onstage* Just go interact with my Divergent babies. And maybe sing.

ARTEMIS FOWL: What?

TRIS: Four, who is this?

ARTEMIS FOWL: His _name_ is _Four_?!

FOUR: Yeah. Do you have a problem with that?

ARTEMIS FOWL: *squeaks* No.

AMITY: Here, this will help. *forcefeeds Artemis Amity serum*

ARTEMIS FOWL: *turns into Orion*

FOUR: What the heck?

ARTEMIS FOWL/ORION: _For the first time in forever_

_There'll be music, there'll be light_

_For the first time in forever_

_I'll be dancing through the night_

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: *films on phone*

_Don't know if I'm elated or gassy_

_But I'm somewhere in that zone_

_'Cause for the first time in forever _

_I won't be alone_

TRIS: is this what I was like?

*TARDIS materializes*

THE DOCTOR: *pokes head out* Hello, I'm the— _Artemis?_

ARTEMIS FOWL/ORION: Doctor!

TRIS: Is this a Divergent musical anymore?!

NIGHSTAR PHOENIX: *to the Doctor* he was summoned by the fans.

DOCTOR: Oh! Well then come on Artemis, let's get back to your own time.

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: You might want to wait until this wears off.

DOCTOR: Nah, he'll be fine.

ARTEMIS FOWL/ORION: _We're all in this together_

CALEB: Oh my gosh.

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Wait, Doctor! Stay for a song?

DOCTOR: I'll be back five minutes ago!

*TARDIS dematerializes*

* * *

A request by phoebesglassballoon and UriahPedradlover1212

ERIC: Queen Elsa!

ELSA: *from atop her ice-cloud of queenliness* Yes?

ERIC: We've got a bone to pick with you!

HANS: No! We're supposed to sneak around and do sneaky stuff and not get caught!

ERIC: That's what weak people do.

HANS: No, it's what _smart_ people do.

JIM MORIARTY: That's what people _**DO**_!

HANS: How did you get here?

JIM MORIARTY: You'll never know... *melts into shadows*

ELSA: *uses ice-wind to blow Hans and Eric to Pluto*

_You're not the big fish in the pond no more_

_You are what they're feeding on_

_So what are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around_ _you?_

_So what are you gonna do when the world don't orbit around you?_

*presses easy button*

_Ain't it fun living in the real world_

_Ain't it good being all alone_

*floats back to her ice-cloud to have tea with Elphaba and Mycroft and discuss royal business*

* * *

request by UriahPedradlover1212

*out of universe*

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Hey sister, do you happen to know the lyrics to "Poor Unfortunate Souls"?

SISTER: *sings song*

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: I freaking love you.

*in universe*

JANINE: _I'll admit that I the past I've been a nasty_

_They weren't kidding when they called me well a witch_

_But you'll see that nowadays I've mended all my ways_

_Repented, seen the light, and made the switch_

_True? Ye—_

TRIS: I don't believe a word of this.

JANINE: INTO THE DUNGEON WITH YOU

* * *

A request by Maid of Justice

TRIS: Caleb, why don't we ever sing songs from the actual Divergent soundtrack?

CALEB: I don't know, ask Nightstar.

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: *apparates onstage* ASK ME YOUR QUESTION

TRIS: Why don't we sing songs from the Divergent soundtrack? We've sung Hunger Games songs. Why not our own?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Because they're all love/unrequited love songs.

TRIS: And?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Just shut up and sing a good song already.

TRIS: okay...

TRIS and FOUR:

_Lately I been, I been losing sleep_

_Dreaming about the things that we could be_

_But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard_

_Said no more counting dollars_

_We'll be counting stars_

_Yeah, we'll be counting stars_

* * *

FERNANDO: *runs in with tally marks all up his arms* THEY'RE EVERYWHERE

TRIS: What are?

FERNANDO: I HAVE NO IDEA! *is shot by River Song*

* * *

*TARDIS materializes*

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Doctor! You're back!

DOCTOR: Sorry I'm late!

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: You regenerated.

DOCTOR: Yeah funny story. I stepped on a LEGO and suddenly I was Peter Capaldi.

TRIS: I'm so confused.

CLARA: Welcome to my world.

DOCTOR: Am I too late to sing a song?

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Nope! We've still got a ways to go until we get the average word count!

DOCTOR: *takes Clara's hand* _I can show you the world  
Shining, shimmering, splendid  
Tell me, princess, now when did  
You last let your heart decide?_

_I can open your eyes  
Take you wonder by wonder  
Over, sideways and under  
On a magic carpet ride_

_A whole new world  
A new fantastic point of view  
No one to tell us no or where to go  
Or say we're only dreaming_

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: *completely looses it a "fantastic" and squees like a fangirl*

TRIS: *to the Doctor* Wait, in still confused. Who exactly are you?

DOCTOR: _I'm the Doctor who comes to save the day_

_From a planet and time far far away_

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: Wait, that's from avbyte's youtube musical. What if that's copyrighted?

TRIS: ALL OF THESE SINGS ARE COPYRIGHTED.

DOCTOR: _I'm the Doctor who moves through time unseen_

_In my wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey machine_

* * *

AMITY: We need to do the thing

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: What—

AMITY: WE'VE DONE IT IN ALMOST EVERY CHAPTER LET US DO THE THING

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: okay okay fine!

AMITY: _Everything is awesome_

_Everything is cool when you're part of a team_

_Everything is awesome_

_When you're living on a dream _

* * *

TRIS: _If I die young_

_Bury me in satin_

_Lay me down in a bed of roses_

DOCTOR: Did someone say Rose? *cries*

TRIS: _Sink me in a river at dawn_

DOCTOR: *cries some more*

DONNA: Oi! I just got him to stop doing that!

TRIS: _Send me away with the words of a love song_

CALEB: *takes guitar away from Tris* Would you stop that? It's not like you're going to be needing to sing that song anyway.

* * *

KATNISS: Hey Fernando would you like some berries?

FERNANDO: Sure! *takes berries* Psyche! *shoves in Tris's mouth*

FOUR: Tris!

TRIS: *dies*

FERNANDO: *is killed and then turned into a Roman*

FOUR: What?!

FERANDO: oh hey I understand that reference *is exterminated by offscreen Dalek*

TRIS: *jumps up again* I'm okay!

FOUR: How!

TRIS: Well KATNISS shot this cat earlier and we ate it as a peace offering but then it came back.

NIGHTSTAR PHOENIX: YOU ATE HEAVYSTEP?!

TRIS: Yeah. Is that bad?

FERNANDO: *exits pursued by a bear*

* * *

Meanwhile on Pluto

ERIC: But Pluto isn't even a planet anymore

HANS: Well neither is Gallifrey. *is shot by River Song*

* * *

_**Songs used in Chapter Six**_

_"For the First Time in a Forever" from Disney's Frozen as preformed by Kristen Bell_

_"We're All in This Together" from Disney's High School Musical_

_"Aint It Fun" by Paramore_

_"Poor Unfortunate Souls" from Disney's The Little Mermaid_

_"Counting Stars" by OneRepublic_

_"A Whole New World" from Disney's Aladdin_

_"Doctor Who: The Musical" by AVByte_

_"Everything is AWESOME!" from The LEGO Movie_

_"If I Die Young" by The Band Perry_


End file.
